Ramblings

I've been wanting to write something on this blog for the last couple of weeks.  Every time I sit down to write I either find myself overwhelmed with thoughts and emotions that can not be put into words or I come up completely blank.  If nothing else, this is my rambling for tonight.

The last few weeks have been filled with doing the necessary paperwork that one has to do when there is a death of a loved one.  Bills continue to come in and need to be paid, food still needs to be purchased, prepared and eaten, appointments still need to be kept.  Life does go on.  It’s a different life.  A singular life.  A odd life when you have spent so much of your everyday sharing life.

Some days I find it difficult to move forward.  There are the everyday obstacles that hold me, coffee for one, no need to cook, laundry is reduced, no one to share my everyday non important ramblings, thoughts and feelings.  I know this is all part of the grieving process and I know what is expected of me from those who see me as I deal with the grief of losing Paul and going through this period of mourning.  The quandary is…. I feel I no longer know who I am!  In losing Paul, I have somehow lost me!  I knew who I was with him.  I was his wife, his love, his m’lady.  I knew the expectations of the day.  I knew what needed to be done.  The relationship with Paul was clearly defined.  We shared not only every evening, but also in working together, we shared our days.  Our life was  defined in togetherness… our coffee in the morning before work, tidbits of communication throughout the day, dinner in the evening between 5:30 and 6:30 pm, do the laundry when the “magic box” was full (It’s what he called the hamper), plan our future.  Whether it be the future of the next day, week, month or years to come.  Now?  Well, a pot of coffee can last two or three days, there’s no need to make a proper sit down meal for one and since I don’t go out as often as before the “magic box” is rarely full!  The routine of life has taken on a new and unfamiliar dimension that I know will someday become the new normal. 

I am fortunate to be surrounded in the love of family, through telephone calls and emails. This continues to give the support needed.  There are also the friends who share this beautiful community that I call home.  They offer dinner invitations and much needed snatches of conversation when I walk to get the mail but… yes, there is always a “but” in life… but my identity has been changed.  I am no longer the person I was a mere few weeks ago.  

In Paul’s dying, part of me has also died.   Part of who I was, has changed.  I now have to take the journey of rediscovering who I am.   Who is the singular Jo that is not Paul’s wife… Paul’s m’lady…. Paul’s partner in life?   That is what I am going to have to find out.  When you share your life with someone, no matter if it is for a few years, ten years, twenty years or longer, you become dependent on them for support, understanding, camaraderie, validation, sharing the "pop in the head" thoughts and the mundane everyday happenings.  You must go through a process to redefine who you are because you no longer have all of those things.  When you find yourself singular after being a couple, you  question your decisions.   You began to wonder  “What am I suppose to do now?”  

The enjoyment of  basic sharing is lost.  

With any death, the loss is not just the person and all they meant to you, it is also the loss of shared memories. Memories of those shared experiences, the laughter, the smiles, the knowing and understanding.  Shared experiences that even when put into words, lose something because only you and the person who shared it fully understand.

I know “life goes on”.  I know that the need for structure is important.   Returning to work and having a schedule of things "To do" will help in returning to the land of the living.  I will find structure, I will find life does go on and I will live it to it's fullest. Returning to the things Paul and I shared will be different but it is essential to moving forward.   One day, I know the laughter, the hope of tomorrow and the dreams of the future will return.  

Jo

   

“When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight.” –Kahlil Gibran