I've been wanting to write something on this blog for the last
couple of weeks. Every time I sit down to write I either find myself
overwhelmed with thoughts and emotions that can not be put into words or I come
up completely blank. If nothing else, this is my rambling for tonight.
The last few weeks have been filled with doing the necessary
paperwork that one has to do when there is a death of a loved one. Bills
continue to come in and need to be paid, food still needs to be
purchased, prepared and eaten, appointments still need to be
kept. Life does go on. It’s a different life. A singular
life. A odd life when you have spent so much of your everyday sharing
life.
Some days I find it difficult to move forward. There are the
everyday obstacles that hold me, coffee for one, no need to cook, laundry is
reduced, no one to share my everyday non important ramblings, thoughts and
feelings. I know this is all part of the grieving process and I know what
is expected of me from those who see me as I deal with the grief of losing Paul
and going through this period of mourning. The quandary is…. I feel I no
longer know who I am! In losing Paul, I have somehow lost me! I
knew who I was with him. I was his wife, his love, his m’lady. I
knew the expectations of the day. I knew what needed to be done.
The relationship with Paul was clearly defined. We shared not only every
evening, but also in working together, we shared our days. Our life was defined in togetherness… our coffee in the
morning before work, tidbits of communication throughout the day, dinner in the
evening between 5:30 and 6:30 pm, do the laundry when the “magic box” was full
(It’s what he called the hamper), plan our future. Whether it be the
future of the next day, week, month or years to come. Now? Well, a
pot of coffee can last two or three days, there’s no need to make a proper sit
down meal for one and since I don’t go out as often as before the “magic box”
is rarely full! The routine of life has taken on a new and unfamiliar
dimension that I know will someday become the new normal.
I am fortunate to be surrounded in the love of family, through
telephone calls and emails. This continues to give the support needed.
There are also the friends who share this beautiful community that I call
home. They offer dinner invitations and much needed snatches of
conversation when I walk to get the mail but… yes, there is always a “but” in
life… but my identity has been changed. I am no longer the person I was a
mere few weeks ago.
In Paul’s dying, part of me has also died.
Part of who I was, has changed. I now have to take the journey of
rediscovering who I am. Who is the singular Jo that is not Paul’s
wife… Paul’s m’lady…. Paul’s partner in life? That is what I
am going to have to find out. When you share your life with someone, no
matter if it is for a few years, ten years, twenty years or longer, you become
dependent on them for support, understanding, camaraderie, validation, sharing
the "pop in the head" thoughts and the mundane everyday
happenings. You must go through a process to redefine who you are
because you no longer have all of those things. When you find yourself singular
after being a couple, you question your
decisions. You began to wonder “What am I suppose to do now?”
The enjoyment of basic sharing is lost.
With any
death, the loss is not just the person and all they meant to you, it is also
the loss of shared memories. Memories of those shared experiences, the
laughter, the smiles, the knowing and understanding. Shared experiences that even when put into
words, lose something because only you and the person who shared it fully
understand.
I know “life goes on”. I
know that the need for structure is important. Returning to work and having a schedule of things "To do" will help in returning to the land of the
living. I will find structure, I will find life does go on and I will live it to it's fullest. Returning to the things Paul and I
shared will be different but it is essential to moving forward. One day, I know the laughter, the hope of tomorrow and the dreams of the future will return.
Jo
“When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall
see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight.”
–Kahlil Gibran
