This is Sunday, June 23, 2013

Paul asked me what day it was this morning when I walked into his ICU room.  I hate to admit it, but I didn't know.  I had to check the calendar that is hanging above the board in his room.  We are both losing the concept of days as they blend together.

Yesterday,Saturday, was another roller coaster day.  When I arrived the doctors had mentioned the possibility of Paul going back on the ventilator.  My heart sank.  When I asked him how he was feeling, he gasped and said "I feel like I'm dying". Needless to say I felt helpless and saddened.  We have come so far and for him to feel so bad hurt my heart.  I sat on the bed and told him he needed to take deep breaths and that I loved him too much to let go. I told him we will get through this.  His exhaustion from the labored breathing was making him feel extremely tired.  As we sat calmly talking his oxygen level improved and his heart rate slowed.  The doctor said that he was going to go check all the numbers from the night before and then make a decision regarding putting him back on the ventilator.  When the doctor came back, he saw the improvement and said they would hold off for a while.  I sat with Paul and we concentrated on slow deep breathes.  We focused on the love of our family and friends.  We talked about being bathed in the warmth of healing energy and light.  We gave thanks for all the prayers being offered up for healing and peace.  We felt immersed in peace and love. I told him we were in a bubble of absolute, unconditional love and nothing negative or harmful could reach us.  I told him that our love was stronger than anything in this world.  His numbers starting improving dramatically and the ventilator was not needed.

Over yesterday and this morning, Paul is trying to remember and comprehend everything that has happened over the last two weeks.  He was in a fog about the second surgery.  He did not know that he was paralyzed or that he was on a ventilator. He talked of some really off the wall things and we owed about it.   The drugs they gave him will take a couple of days to get completely out of his system.  He could not stand on his own yesterday and i was told that is a side effect of the paralysis and he will need some physical therapy to help with the muscles getting stronger.  The swelling in his hands and arms has gone down to where his fingers look normal again.  We have gone over everything several times with him asking questions.  I am focusing only on the positive.  He now knows it was very serious, he knows he was in  critical condition for a few days and he knows the esophagectomy surgery failed.  He also knows that we, him and I, will get through this.  It is just another  small detour on our journey together.

This morning he is actually looking at emails on the laptop, concerned that he needs to take care of some minor work things and smiled at me with eyes that made all the worries briefly go away.  He is healing.  Out of the eighteen I.V.'s he had only four are left.  He is receiving food once again via the J Tube.  My main concern is his heart as they have not been able to get him off the medicine that is keeping him out of  AFIB.  He continues to receive insulin, but for some reason, that does not worry me in the least.

My emotions are being shelved and put on hold so that I can remain strong for him.  I told him when we get home we are hanging the "do not disturb" sign, turning off the phones and spending a couple of days resting and cuddling.

My hope today is for Paul to become strong enough to leave ICU so we can look toward the idea of going home.

I will try to do an update tonight.

Hugs to all,
Jo