Reality .....

What Cancer Cannot Do......

It cannot cripple Love.

It cannot shatter Hope.

It cannot corrode Faith.

It cannot eat away at Peace.

It cannot destroy Confidence.

It cannot kill Friendship

It cannot shut out Memories

It cannot silence Courage.

It cannot quench the Spirit

Here I sit into the wee hours of morning.  Listening to Paul's movements as he sleeps.  Lately, I find myself laying awake just to listen to the sound of his breathing deep into the night.  It is comforting to hear the soothing breath as his body relaxes and rests. Or to hold him close and feel his warmth and smell the scent that is his alone.  But tonight too many thoughts fill my mind.  Too many emotions overtake my senses.  I know that worrying is useless.  This is not worry but something else.  I can't quite put my finger on it.  It is almost an anticipation, an eagerness for the next few weeks to be over so that we can move forward and get this behind us.  It seems like we have been waiting forever for the surgery date to arrive.  Has it only been four months since Paul was diagnosed with this cancer?  It seems like a lifetime ago.  So many hurdles, so many set backs, so much time spent waiting for appointments, and testing, and follow-ups, with this doctor or that doctor.   And now that the date is set, I am scared.  I find myself frightened of all the "What if's" that have been suppressed, hidden, forbidden from taking form.  I have managed to stay strong this far, to clean the wounds, to comfort him when he was at his sickest, to encourage him when he felt his own body betrayed him.  Yet now... I am frightened of him actually going through with this surgery, but on the other hand, I am more frightened of him not having surgery and letting cancer win.

Maybe it's not worry at all, only the effects of  too much late afternoon coffee! 

Hugs,

Jo